Wait. And Keep On Waiting.

It is so good to have things to look forward to, whether events, or goals, or being together. And it is good to have someone reliable who goes the extra mile to make it happen. My God is like that. Except sometimes he doesn't seem to be, as time goes on. And on.

And let's be honest, sometimes things don't seem to make any sense and no good outcome seems remotely possible.

But for God.

But for his perfect timing and help, and redeeming ways.

As a child I was surrounded by many people who loved me. I had never met my dad, so I didn't miss having one, other than it made me feel a bit different from everyone else. But even that didn't really bother me; I just felt a bit alone in the experience. But my grandparents were only 37 when I was born and they helped raise me while my mom was at work. Often on Friday nights I slept over. So my Granddad was, and is, such a uniquely special and important part of my life.

Nevertheless, the thing that did bother me most of my growing up years was that not one person had a single photo of my biological dad. This was mainly because he and my mom had separated before I was even born. I used to think how I might be walking down the street and pass him, and I wouldn't even know it. This bothered me whenever it crossed my mind. My mom always said she would help me find him someday if I wanted to, but she also reminded me how he hadn't even bothered to come to the hospital to see me after I was born. Looking back, this upsets me much more for her sake than for mine, though I know she told me this to guard me from disappointment and hurt. She had given birth to me all alone in the hospital at 19 years old. My dad (despite many other positive attributes) was an alcoholic with a quick, cutting tongue who had found someone else before I was even born. (I learned later he had his own baggage from his mother’s early death and PTSD from the Vietnam War; hurting people often hurt other people.) So over the years I asked repeated questions about him but never pursued finding him. Until.

Until it came time for me to get married. I thought I would like to share it with him and let him know it had all turned out okay for me. I wanted him to know he had truly done the right thing for me to let my mom and grandparents raise me. I wanted him to know I wasn't mad and forgave him for not being there for me in all the normal, everyday ways. I was 19 at the time. I was carrying more baggage than I realized. I was less mature than I judged myself to be. And I was very disappointed not to find him.

Until. I was 38. Twice my years from the first attempt. Hadn't thought about finding him in years as life was full of having my/our own children. I was reading the only Beth Moore book I've ever read (though I can't say why that is.) The title was "Believing God." There is a reference to Mizpah in the book; she writes that God often circles us back to something he wants to teach us or mold within us. As I read, the list of my struggles with certain sins went through my head. Seemed likely to me that was what I was going to be circling back to. Then, without at first realizing it was the Holy Spirit, the thought crossed my mind to look for my dad. At the time it was simply a passing thought. Within 6 weeks, while still finishing the book, I got a Max Lucado Christmas movie for us at the library: Christmas Child, starring Steven Curtis Chapman. The twist in the movie is when main character unexpectedly meets his biological (and alcoholic) grandfather. (The grandfather had given his grandson up for adoption as a baby after his daughter’s death.) Upon seeing this movie I knew it was the Holy Spirit who had prompted me to think again of finding my dad. (It strikes me how I often think first of my sin while God is always thinking first about his love for and towards me - and each of us!)

My husband Darren was very supportive. He told me in March he would have access to an internet finders program. And so I waited. This time in expectation. Yet when the day came when Darren gave me a list of three possible phone numbers, I was nevertheless extremely and delightedly surprised to find my dad on the very first call! From there many, many calls followed. It was as if we stuffed 38 years into phone call after phone call. His wife welcomed me too. And then his other children. It was nothing short of amazing.

And in the midst of it, I realized how good it was that I had not found him when I was 19. How good it was that I had had time to mature, and grow, and establish my sense of identity and adulthood. How good it was that he came into my life during a season of relative calm and during a rare period of several years when he wasn't drinking. We were able to have coherent and meaningful talks we both remembered and that I hold onto even now.

There is so much more I could add, about him, about getting to know and love him... But the important things are that I knew he loved me, he knew I loved him, and we talked about a good God who forgives and loves us all. When my dad passed away less than a decade later, I was left with a bigger family and many wonderful memories. He and my stepmom had taken all of us - my family plus my half-siblings and their children - on a family vacation. They also took us all to a fishing outing. And out to dinners and holiday celebrations. Much to not only my dad's credit, but also to my loving stepmom's credit, I felt surprisingly and completely at home from the very first visit.

One of the last conversations I had with my dad was about God - did he believe Jesus died for his sins to bring him to Heaven with God? "Yes." Did he believe God would help him in living life? "Maybe, probably, yes, I think so..." Did he believe God would speak to his heart? "Hmm?" "Dad," I said, "the next time you get done talking to God, ask him to speak to your heart - and then listen." "Okay," he said. I knew he would because, even though he wasn't there for me growing up, my dad had shown me he did his best to keep his word.

Not long after that call I got another phone call, my sister Julie telling me our dad had died suddenly out in his sunroom. At his funeral God laid it on my heart to read and share from Ecclesiastes 3, "A Time for Everything."

There is a lot more to be said about the value of waiting. This real life story would also lend itself well to discussing boundaries - which are valuable - but will wait for another time. And while it is a story highlighting forgiveness, I feel it's worthwhile to point out it was in some ways much easier for me to forgive my dad because of the very fact I hadn't known him. Forgiving the people we grow/grew up with can take much more emotional processing and energy. Still, the one thing that really helps with forgiving someone else, is the conviction of how very much I've been - and continue to need to be - forgiven myself. I’ve also experienced the freedom forgiveness brings for the one who is doing the forgiving. Life is so much better to me without the weights of holding onto hurts, sorrows, and bitterness. I want to live free of both my own guilt and the guilt of others.

Truly there is a time and a place - a season for each thing. Ecclesiastes 3 continues to speak truth and meaning into my life in new ways with each new season.

I have found it valuable not to rush the things I think should happen.

Particularly for other people. Maybe take that log out of my own eye. Maybe give God time to work. Maybe lean more on trusting his promises are true and inevitable. Not that I don't still find myself inadvertently trying to fix things myself... I still find myself confessing to God presumptuous words and actions of having -again!- gone on one step ahead of him rather than following.

How thankful I am for his immediate mercy and grace. And his willingness and ability to redeem my preemptive actions.

What I continue to find most valuable - and continue to grow in conviction about even on this very day - is to simply pray, wait, and listen.

And then be prepared to act - at some point. Maybe 19 years later... And for this reason I share the story of how I waited a very long time for something way better than I could ever have imagined or orchestrated.

dedicated to my dad, I love you and will call you as soon as possible; save me a fishing spot with the others.

Psalm 145: 13b-14 The LORD is trustworthy in all he promises and faithful in all he does. The LORD upholds all who fall and lifts up all who are bowed down.