War Within Part 1

Note: This is the first of a 3 part series. The first two in the series were journal entries written in the fall of 2018 which have been left in their original form - no editing. Therefore they are written for my own reflection, which continue to be helpful reminders for me in my daily battles within. In sharing these personal thoughts it’s my hope they will be of some help or touchstone inspiration to another.

Turning through my devotional, some highlighted verses again caught my attention. Mt. Ch. 14. excerpts: “It’s a ghost,” they said, and cried out in fear. But Jesus immediately said to them, ‘Take courage! It is I. Don’t be afraid.’” (This is when Peter makes his brave move to walk on water ... only to get distracted by the circumstances of the storm and begin to sink.) “Peter cried out, ‘Lord, save me!’ Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him.”

Reading this today I was reminded of the many times I have seen God at work and not recognized Him at the time. Often it was at times when my circumstances were less than ideal. Other times it was when I got out of the boat, only to think I’d made a mistake or that it was time to change direction.

One such time involved our previously confirmed call to homeschool. For over half of the 20+ years we homeschooled our children, I had many times of heartfelt prayer, asking God, was this truly (still) the right direction.

It was during one of the most exhausting periods, when the six of them were all 10 and under that God sent an unexpected answer.

We had all enjoyed a visit with my husband’s unchurched brother and sister-in-law. We had not shared our doubts or struggles about homeschooling. Yet within a week we received a full page letter from my sister-in-law. It was full of kind words about our parenting, including how homeschooling was clearly what we were meant to do. It was an nexpected and treasured confirmation of an earlier call. It brought courage, renewed strength, and peace, into my heart. To this day I’m thankful for the time and thought my sister-in-law put into her words and how God provided just the right message for us.

Years later now, I’m thankful for the many lessons God has taught me about following him boldly into the water. He has Increasingly led me to greater patience and trust. I know he will reach out his hand and catch me should I look away and start to sink. And, that in His perfect timing and unfailing provision, he will also calm the storm, bringing me to the still waters of refreshment.

Through his renewed strength and refreshing, God has shown compassion and genuine care for

my feelings. Yet he also taught me not to be led by them. I would have missed out on many strenuous climbs and scenic mountaintops if I had not left the boat of my feelings. On the other hand, if I’m not real with God about my feelings, I miss out on his communications. Our feelings are part of our image-bearing. God also has emotions- sorrow, joy, anger, compassion and more. Prayer is not intended to be one-sided. I have found God’s responses are often also appropriately emotional and wise, as well as unpredictable. I cannot assume (or control) how I He will respond; it’s

Important to take time to listen. The wrestling and seeking are important! It’s part of the continuing journey of any good love story. Growing to know and love the other more deeply. With God, often the more stormy waters, the more we grow in knowing him. The disciples in the boat realized Christ’s authority over the wind and waves. The more we long to know Him more, the more we continue to receive of his endless Presence. Peter had a bold and seeking heart. He was thirsty to know Jesus more. It led him into the water (lest we forget - to begin to SINK) and into the most prominent position of the founding church.

Life is full of challenges - some are enjoyable and exhilarating, some are simply exhausting, and others bring times of tears that don’t seem to have an end. Often, they are a mixture of all, enabling us to learn the weapons of spiritual warfare: the Word, praise, thankfulness, and doing good, to name a few. In the storms, it can be hard to identify Christ; sometimes, like the disciples, we don’t recognize him and become filled with fear.

I’ve spent hours talking to God about my challenges and feelings. Often my feelings ARE the challenge. In taking them to the Wonderful Counselor, I have received confirmation, rebuke, comfort, instruction, patience, vision, etc., etc. There have been times God has shown me my feelings needed to be acted upon (usually with some pointers for that.) Many other times His shared perspective (from His Word and/or whispered to my heart) have resulted in a change in my own perspective and feelings, and enabled me to know and follow Him more closely. He has often revealed the depths and (often selfish or fearful) motives of my heart I thought I knew, but did not. Other times, like the letter of encouragement, God has moved in reassuring ways that I never saw coming. God speaks through His Word, other people, circumstances, and feelings. He continues to quench my momentary thirst, while somehow also leaving me indelibly thirsty for more of Him, especially as new storms blow in. He continues to grow my faith and trust in His loving ways, His complete authority, and His perfect timing.

Our Good Father, our Savior, our Wonderful Counselor, is faithful to His Word:

“God is our refuge and our strength; a very present help in time of need.” -Ps.46:1

“He refreshes my soul. He guides me along the right paths for His name’s sake.”

Ps. 23:3

-“You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with your whole heart.” Jer. 29:13

-“Come to Me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest for your souls.”

My. 11:28

-Further reading: Isaiah ch. 55

Thanks and praise to God...